I grew up with a father who left and divorced my mother and her three children, providing no child support and yet traveling around the world.
My grandfather was a male chauvinist who treated my brother differently than my sister and me. He was an incredible businessman but never bothered to teach business to his three daughters. He could have taught them to fish in the river of life so they could enjoy their lives and be empowered, but he didn’t because they weren’t boys. He treated them as inferior and weak.
My guy friends all had more freedom than us girls. I liked the simplicity the boys had of deciding what they wanted to do or not do instead of figuring out what they were allowed to do or whether it was safe and appropriate for them. Girls had to watch out for perverts while learning how to be attractive to the opposite sex at the same time. It was too confusing and limiting for me.
As a child, I was attracted to reading Pippi Longstocking books. Pippi is the protagonist in the series of children’s books by Swedish author Astrid Lindgren. Nine-year-old Pippi is unconventional, assertive, and has superhuman strength. She is able to lift her horse up with only one hand. She is playful and unpredictable. She frequently makes fun of unreasonable adult attitudes, especially when displayed by pompous and condescending adults. I wanted to live with more freedoms and less rules and feel empowered to do anything I wanted.
When my grandfather asked me what I wanted to do after I graduated high school and I said I wanted to be an artist, he replied that I couldn’t make a living doing “art.” He told me I should be a nurse or a teacher. He didn’t say look into advertising, architecture, graphic design or other creative occupations. To my disdain, he also added that I should go off to college and meet a nice boy to marry him and take care of me.
Needless to say, it was confusing growing up as girl and to feel any sense of feminine power. Growing up I saw men controlling the money, with more power and freedom than any woman could ever gain. Women were less than men.
I decided fairly young I wanted to be more like men and boys than like the weak frivolous girls. So I hung out with them as much as I could, hoping to be empowered by them. To be validated as worthy, strong, powerful, and creative.
I didn’t realize until I was in my 40’s that I had been denying my powerful feminine nature all this time. I did not want to be a weak, powerless, dumb, servant to man or sex toy. But my perfectionist self kept beating me up , never allowing me to empower myself. But once I allowed my feminine nature to shine, I could be intuitive, creative, a great cook and good gardener, a good lover, friend, mother, and citizen.
I didn’t realize how critical my feminine nature was to my well-being, presence and brilliance. Of course it was a hormonal imbalance that ended up waking me up to my SELF. I was taught to be a good girl and do everything right and all will be good, but it was just the opposite.
I was doing everything as “perfectly” as I could for everyone else and I got sick. Getting sick made me realize I had some fucked-up beliefs running through me. I had put all my value on taking care of others because that was my job as a woman, even though I had always been an entrepreneur and worked. Making money working and growing as a person was not valued as a top priority over taking good care of the man and the family. Working was looked at as my hobby. I didn’t take my experience and skills as seriously as I could have because of that lack of validation.
I didn’t have powerful female role models like Oprah around in my younger years to inspire me and mirror new possibilities. I had Pippi Longstocking, who thankfully as a child inspired me to consider living outside the rules and finding my own ways of being me that no one else could take away.
HERE are 10 Ways for Women to Empower Each Other.
I remember my friends saying I was inspiring them with my business, wisdom and accomplishments. I was a leader, I started things, I had followers, I was powerful and female and I didn’t KNOW it. I never even thought of being successful because only men could be successful, so why even try. These were unconscious perceptions from my environment that I had formed throughout my childhood and young adult year. It was ingrained in me that I would always be weaker than a male, so I would never be as powerful and as free as wanted to be. I unconsciously believed I wasn’t worthy of success, money and support.
It took a long time to untangle my unconscious beliefs around my femininity and understand how the feminine nature and masculine nature support each other. I have partners who supported me, mentors and teachers who validated me and modeled for me the possibilities I couldn’t see for myself. I had to learn that being me and vulnerable was more powerful than trying to be what I wasn’t.
Once I got into my body and really connected with my feminine energy, feeling my feelings, my life got turned ON and up-leveled exponentially. I feel a fire in my belly that feels like I’m horny for life and adventure, pleasure and play, creativity and successes.
Are you hiding any of your feminine qualities because of your childhood traumas and programming? What would it mean to you to let your feminine nature be free, empowered and turned ON?
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