Stop Your Relationship Codependency Dance

Stop Your Relationship Codependency Dance

Rachel is questioning whether she can save her marriage. Her husband is never satisfied with how she interacts with him and is always wanting two hour conversations about how she needs to see life his way and how she is hurting him by not always agreeing with him and making him her first concern. No matter what she does it is not enough and she is not good enough!

Sarah hasn’t felt safe or valued by others since she was born. She feels she is always being judged and not good enough, because she grew up with two narcissistic parents who had mental issues and told her she wasn’t wanted.  Sarah struggles with self-esteem, confidence and perfectionism issues in her personal and professional life.  She never feels she is enough and can relax.

Lori wears revealing clothing to keep her boyfriends attention,  even though it isn’t her. She doesn’t share her emotions with her boyfriend, because he says he doesn’t want a girlfriend who is “high maintenance”. She feels like she is walking on eggshells, nothing she does is good enough even though all her energy is focused on pleasing him and not being herself. She feels she is not good enough and her boyfriend reminds her of that when they are together.

I always put my husband, family and friends first in my relationships. I wanted everyone to feel good and I find me valuable. If I was needed than I’d never be abandoned.  I was motivated to make my husband feel good and look good in order to feel safe and be taken care of. I’d be the perfect lover, wife, mother, friend…. I didn’t feel I was worthy of love and care, I had to earn it. I never felt good enough unless others told me.

Rachel, Sarah, Lori and myself learned from childhood to be codependent. As a result we grew up attracting narcissistic relationships, lovers, husbands, friends, bosses…and it’s unfulfilling, unhealthy and draining.

I want to save you time and energy if you are in a codependency relationship,
by sharing this brilliant article by Ross A. Rosenberg, Codependency, Don’t Dance!


It is important for you to know that you can grow and positively change your life to be in a secure and loving relationships. You can move towards more secure relationships with yourself and others. I have learned to do this and I have helped many of my clients transform their beliefs about who they are into confident, self-loving and worthy women. Highly sensitive people are naturally attractive to this kind of relationship because we learned this through our relationship with our parents. Our superpowers of intuition, empathy and our ability to know what people want and need before they do is very attractive to the codependents dance partner.

Read the article below to find out what the “codependency dance” is and if you are in one.

In his last paragraph he lists psychotherapy or a 12-step recovery program you can find help you, I would add life coaches who are trained in relationships, like myself to the list.

Stop your relationship codependency dance and life will become more fulfilling, authentic and freeing for you.

Please leave comments and questions.

You can be free to BE YOU

Codependency, Don’t Dance!
By Ross A. Rosenberg

The inherently dysfunctional “codependency dance” requires two opposite but distinctly balanced partners: the pleaser/fixer (codependent) and the taker/controller (narcissist/addict). Codependents who are giving, sacrificing, and consumed with the needs and desires of others, do not know how to emotionally disconnect or avoid romantic relationships with individuals who are narcissistic — individuals who are selfish, self-centered, controlling, and harmful to them. Codependents habitually find themselves on a “dance floor” attracted to partners who are a perfect counter match to their uniquely passive, submissive and acquiescent dance style.

As natural followers in their relationship “dance,” codependents are passive and accommodating dance partners. Codependents find narcissistic dance partners deeply appealing as they are perpetually attracted to their charm, boldness, confidence and domineering personality. When codependents and narcissists pair up, the dancing experience sizzles with excitement — at least in the beginning. After many “songs,” the enthralling and thrilling dance experience predictably transforms into drama, conflict, feelings of neglect and being trapped. Even with chaos and conflict, neither of the two spellbound dancers dares to end their partnership. Despite the tumultuous and conflict-laden nature of their relationship, neither of these two opposite, but dysfunctionally-compatible, dance partners feel compelled to “sit the dance out.”

When a codependent and narcissist come together in their relationship, their dance unfolds flawlessly: The narcissistic partner maintains the lead and the codependent follows. Their roles seem natural to them because they have actually been practicing them their whole lives; the codependent reflexively gives up their power and since the narcissist thrives on control and power, the dance is perfectly coordinated. No one gets their toes stepped on.

Typically, codependents give of themselves much more than their partners give back to them. As “generous” but bitter dance partners, they seem to be stuck on the dance floor, always waiting for the “next song,” at which time they naively hope that their narcissistic partner will finally understand their needs. Codependents confuse caretaking and sacrifice with loyalty and love. Although they are proud of their unwavering dedication to the person they love, they end up feeling unappreciated and used. Codependents yearn to be loved, but because of their choice of dance partner, find their dreams unrealized. With the heartbreak of unfulfilled dreams, codependents silently and bitterly swallow their unhappiness.

Codependents are essentially stuck in a pattern of giving and sacrificing, without the possibility of ever receiving the same from their partner. They pretend to enjoy the dance, but really harbor feelings of anger, bitterness, and sadness for not taking an active role in their dance experience. They are convinced that they will never find a dance partner who will love them for who they are, as opposed to what they can do for them. Their low self-esteem and pessimism manifests itself into a form of learned helplessness that ultimately keeps them on the dance floor with their narcissistic partner.

The narcissist dancer, like the codependent, is attracted to a partner who feels perfect to them: Someone who lets them lead the dance while making them feel powerful, competent and appreciated. In other words, the narcissist feels most comfortable with a dancing companion who matches up with their self-absorbed and boldly selfish dance style. Narcissist dancers are able to maintain the direction of the dance because they always find partners who lack self-worth, confidence and who have low self-esteem — codependents. With such a well-matched companion, they are able to control both the dancer and the dance.

Although all codependent dancers desire harmony and balance, they consistently sabotage themselves by choosing a partner who they are initially attracted to, but will ultimately resent. When given a chance to stop dancing with their narcissistic partner and comfortably sit the dance out until someone healthy comes along, they typically choose to continue their dysfunctional dance. They dare not leave their narcissistic dance partner because their lack of self-esteem and self-respect makes them feel like they can do no better. Being alone is the equivalent of feeling lonely, and loneliness is too painful to bear.

Without self-esteem or feelings of personal power, the codependent is incapable of choosing mutually-giving and unconditionally-loving partners. Their choice of a narcissistic dance partner is connected to their unconscious motivation to find a person who is familiar — someone who is reminiscent of their powerless and, perhaps, traumatic childhood. Sadly, codependents are most likely children of parents who also flawlessly danced the dysfunctional codependent/narcissistic dance. Their fear of being alone, their compulsion to control and fix at any cost, and their comfort in their role as the martyr who is endlessly loving, devoted, and patient, is an extension of their yearning to be loved, respected, and cared for as a child.

Although codependents dream of dancing with an unconditionally loving and affirming partner, they submit to their dysfunctional destiny. Until they decide to heal the psychological wounds that ultimately compel them to dance with their narcissistic dance partners, they will be destined to maintain the steady beat and rhythm of their dysfunctional dance.

Through psychotherapy, and perhaps, a 12-step recovery program, the codependent can begin to recognize that their dream to dance the grand dance of love, reciprocity and mutuality is indeed possible. Through therapy and a change of lifestyle, codependents can build (repair) their tattered self-esteem. The journey of healing and transformation will bring them feelings of personal power and efficacy that will foster a desire to finally dance with someone who is willing and capable of sharing the lead, communicating their movements, and pursuing a mutual loving rhythmic dance.

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